Yes, I did take another foster child....

... and no, I have not lost my mind.....yet.

Before my husband and I split, I found out that there was a very good chance that the mother to our 4 other children was pregnant again.  Knowing that my relationship with my husband was not in a good place, and to say we were in financial ruin would be an understatement, so taking another baby was out of the question.  I went on with life and put the possibility of another baby out of my mind.  Fast forward a couple months to the summer.  I had been in contact with the birth dad of 2 of the kids and he confirmed that the mom was pregnant and due in December.  I wasn't shocked but the waves of emotions I felt was overwhelming.  Naturally, I did what I always do when I am overwhelmed with a life changing decision, I avoided it!  If I am being honest, I thought about it every day.  Deep down in my heart I knew I would take the baby but in my brain, I would go through all the logical reasons NOT to take it.  I was at that time, a single mom with 4 kids under the age of 7, a 19 year old starting college in the fall and a 21 year old who had just got married and still lived at home.  My husband was taking the 4 littles for an overnight every other weekend at best.  I was barely scraping by financially and had no idea what my future held.  How could I, and more importantly why would I, bring a baby into this craziness?

Then, in June I started dating a man.  I told him about the possibility of taking the baby when I told him how many kids I already had.  I truly thought he would turn and run. I mean, I wouldn't blame him and I had already had it happen with another guy.  To my surprise, he didn't run and we were inseparable from that moment on.  He later met my kids and they all fell in love with each other.  We occasionally discussed the baby, but not in great depth yet.  I mean,  December was a lifetime away, right?

I had figured out by this point not to bring up the baby to my extended family at all.  They were absolutely not accepting of me taking another baby and were not bashful about the fact at all.  (I usually feel as though I was adopted or there may have been a mix up at the hospital because I am the only one in my family who knows how and when to hold my tongue.)  There had been several awkward meals and gatherings that ended in my in tears because they had told me what they thought of the idea and did not spare my feelings in the process.

In late fall, I was talking to my caseworker on one of her monthly visits at the house with Jayce (he was still in foster care at that time) when she asked me if I had heard from the birth mom.  I told her I had on occasion when she text for updates on the kids.   The caseworker shared that the mom had reached out to her and shared that she was pregnant and she knew that the baby would be taken away by DCFS as soon as it was delivered.  She mentioned that she was going to reach out to me and discuss my taking the baby so that all her kids could stay together.  She was having some difficulties with this pregnancy, due to her 4 previous c-section deliveries.  She was referred to a specialist and he had told her that he would be calling the DCFS hotline to report the delivery himself.


Within days, the mom reached out to me and asked if we could meet for lunch because she had something she wanted to discuss with me.  I told her my boyfriend was anxious to meet her too so we met one Sunday afternoon for lunch.  There was no hiding the fact that she was expecting.  She stands at about 5 foot nothing and usually weighs about 90 pounds soaking wet.  We discussed the pregnancy and the fact that this would be her last because they were doing a hysterectomy as soon as the baby was delivered due to severe scarring from the previous surgeries.  She expressed her wishes to have all her children together in the same home.

The next few months were probably the hardest months of my life. I mean, we always think that when we are going through hard times right?  Even sitting here typing this now, I can honestly say that this has been the hardest decision of my life.  What is one more kid when you have this many?  But, I am going to be doing this one alone.  I have never really been solely responsible for a kid before.  Is it fair to ask my older kids to help me?  They didn't sign up for this life, I did.  I know I can do hard things though, I am a strong, independent woman and this isn't my first rodeo.  What will a baby do to my new relationship with my boyfriend?  His only child is 19 years old.  What if he decides he doesn't want to start over?  What if the baby has medical or emotional problems?  I already have my hands full with the other 4 littles and their issues.  My ex just started taking the kids on a schedule and I am settling into not having the kids every other weekend, am I being selfish because I am starting to enjoy that alone time?  But, what about the baby?  She sure didn't ask to be brought into this situation.  Doesn't she deserve the same loving home that I have given to the other 4 littles?  But, maybe there be another home that might be able to provide a better life for the baby than I could?  This is the last one she can have, how do I turn my back on one?  How do I explain some day to my kids that they have a sister but I didn't want to be put out so I didn't take her.  Now, imagine a playlist of those thoughts (among others like it) on shuffle in your head daily.  Add to those all the comments from well intentioned friends and family.

Then, on November 8, 2018, I was at work about to finish up my day and head home when I got a call from my caseworker. I assumed it was something about Jayce or his adoption, but I was met with "Erica, this is the call you have been waiting on.  They baby is here!  Have you decided if you are going to take her?"  And just like that, without a thought or hesitation, I said "YES".

I know this life is not for everybody and I absolutely do not expect people to understand it.  All I can say is that it works for us and I know I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing with these children and all the other ones that have been in my home and have touched my life through this
journey in the foster system.

Another Adoption in the Books

After 769 days in foster care, he is officially ours!  Yesterday was the day I have been waiting for for over 2 years now. This beautiful little boy came to us on Dec 1, 2016 and has brought so much joy to our lives every since. There were several times over the past year that I wasn’t sure if this day would ever come.

A few months after we signed paperwork stating our intent to adopt, my husband and I decided to separate. Ok, I decided to separate, he had no choice. I talked to our adoption worker, who had done our 2 previous adoptions, and she assured me that the separation would not be a problem in the adoption. My husband and I both still wanted to adopt together so it should be business as usual. So we started the adoption journey and agreed to hold off on any divorce proceedings until the adoption was done. That was in March, 2018.  Fast forward to the end of September, I get a call from the adoption caseworker which should be to tell me that the file is being sent back to our attorney and ready to set it for a court date.  Instead, it was one of the most devastating phone calls to date.  Our file was at the last place for approval before court and they rejected it. Even typing that word "rejected" tears at my heart.  They said we could not adopt together if we were separated.  Our only options were to have my husband move back in and refile all the paperwork to reflect that change or one of us would have to adopt as a single person and then do a separate adoption after that where we both adopt together.  The latter of the two seemed like the only viable option but when I called my husband and told him the news, it was clear that deciding who would adopt first was going to be an issue.  He blamed me for the whole thing falling apart.  "You couldn't just wait for the adoption to be over to separate?"

After a month and several attempts to sit down and come to an agreement with regard to the adoption, I was had called the adoption worker and left a message to tell her to just start the paperwork in my name alone since we could not come to an agreement and my husband was not willing to sit down and talk about it anymore.  She called me back the next morning and said that she had gotten word from her supervisor that the adoption had been approved after all.  And just like that, two months later, we were in court adopting our little boy.

Now on to the next challenge, settling the divorce.

What a Year!

2018 has been a year of changes.  I feel like my life is in a constant state of change, but I'm telling you if there was an award for the most changes one woman can go through in a 12 month period, I would definitely be in the running for this year.  

In March my husband and I separated after 13 years.  This was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.  I will talk more on that later because I think it deserves its own post.    

In May, my beautiful daughter graduated from High School. 

I'm pretty sure I blinked and she was all grown up and a beautiful young lady with such a bright future ahead of her.  

At the end of May, my first born went to the courthouse and got married!  I am a mother-in-law y'all!

I spent the next several months navigating my way through our new "normal" with 5 kids at home and being single (and majorly outnumbered), trying to date, and trying to finalize an adoption. 


In November, we welcomed the sweetest little nugget I have ever met.  She is number 5 from the same birth mother.  She is also my last.  The decision to take her was not an easy one, and one I wavered on for several months.  This is another topic that I will have to go deeper into later because it was hands down one of the hardest decisions of my life. 

We have dealt with my brother being diagnosed and treated for Leukemia, my best friend being diagnosed and treated for breast cancer.  We have seen loss, sickness, sadness and much happiness.  Engagements, divorce and marriage.   Pregnancy announcements and the loss of twin baby boys of a friend.  Accepted new people into our family and said goodbye to other people. There were so many "firsts" and lots of "lasts". 

I met a new "special someone" and I am enjoying getting to know him and his family as well as watching my family get to know and love him.  I am excited to see where this journey takes me in the coming year. 

 I can't say I am sad to say goodbye to 2018, but I am happy and excited to see what 2019 holds for us.  One thing is for certain, I will keep holding it all together. 

Disabilities

I was perusing Facebook this morning waiting my turn for the shower, and between all the drama, classified posts and recipes a status update caught my eye.  It read:

"With Halloween upon us, please keep in mind, a lot of little people will be visiting your home.  Be accepting.  the child who is grabbing more than one piece of candy may have poor fine motor skills.  the child who takes forever to pick out one piece of candy may have motor planning issues.  The child who does not say trick or treat or thank you may be non-verbal.  The child who looks disappointed when they see your bowl might have an allergy.  the child who isn't wearing a costume at all might have a sensory issue (SPD) or autism.  Be nice.  Be patient.  Its everyone's Halloween!"

Until a year and a half ago when we got our sweet angels placed with us, I would have probably shrugged this post off and went on to swoon over the next pumpkin recipe.  But, my youngest angel has changed my way of thinking in so many ways.  Before he was placed with us I knew he had Torticollis, which is a tightening in the neck muscles.  No biggie, we do some physical therapy and he will be fine.  It didn't take me long to realize we were dealing with more than a tilt in his head.  His whole body was tight and rigid.  To make a long story short, we have been to a Pediatric Developmental Specialist who has ruled out Cerebral Palsy.  While that is a weight lifted, it also left us scratching our heads. My baby angel could not sit up until he was almost a year old.  His muscles were so tight they just wouldn't allow him to bend that way.  Now he walks (and runs!) but we are left dealing with sensory issues now.  He has Hyposensitivity issues and delays in fine motor that we do Occupational Therapy for.  He doesn't have much contact with other kids his age other than his brother, but my cousin was visiting a couple weeks ago with her daughter who is close in age.  It was hard for me to let him play with her because he is so rough (part of the sensory issues) and she didn't understand why.  I don't want people to judge him.  In retrospect, a year and a half ago, I would have been the other parent judging and that is a hard pill to swallow.  I want to help educate people and spread acceptance for these sweet souls.

It's not our disabilities, it's our abilities that count.

Chris Burke

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/c/chrisburke443337.html#F1Bg5qG60X9tczxu.99

It's not our disabilities, it's our abilities that count.

Chris Burke

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/c/chrisburke443337.html#F1Bg5qG60X9tczxu.99

A word on fostering

Nine times out of ten, when someone learns that we are foster parents, the first thing out of their mouth is "I could never do that, I would get too attached and not want to give them back".  While I know what they are saying, I find it hard to no feel as though they think I am cold hearted and don't have a problem sending these children back when the time comes. 

Fostering has its highs and lows.  One day you think you have it all together, you are juggling parent visits, meetings with case workers, therapy and the next day you are just praying that you have not messed this kid up worse then when he came to you.  Then, sometimes, you get a message from a child that has left your home saying "I miss and love you" and at that moment in time, it all makes sense. 

We also hope to teach our own children to appreciate what they have because there are so many kids that would kill for what we take for granted.  Some don't even understand what it means to be married, or be part of a family.  I think it is safe to say that we have learned more from fostering than we have taught the kids we have had. 

I understand that being a foster parent isn't for everyone, but in the words of Mother Teresa:

When we judge others we leave no room to love them.